📝女文青談寫📝寫之苦:其實我沒有答案

買了前cosmogirl雜誌專欄作家的作品《妝前妝後》,因為每篇散文的標題都很有趣。買回家才發覺每篇都很短,都是始於一件逸事,終於一個結論。

發現很多貌似很工整的散文,都是這樣構成的。不論議題之複雜,不論篇幅之所限,作者必定於文末一口咬定一個定論。

 

吾也寫過不少自以為很有見地的文章,不過越寫就越心虛,明明內心就沒那麼篤定,卻非得立個論才算完成一篇文章似的。

現實是,對於很多事情,吾只有深刻的體會,卻不一定有強烈的看法。

就算寫下了句號,腦裡還是有很多很多個問號,那又何必以作家的身份裝出一副老定的樣子呢?

前陣子擱筆許久,就是不想為賦新詞強立論,生怕自己的文字規範了自己的思想。

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Remain Low Profile Because I Want To Speak My Honest Mind

Why Low Profile? (a 2012 blogpost)

It is my sixth entry and I still am not quite prepared for having an actual reader on this blog.
What’s truly bothering me is, what if the presence of a reader, even just the first odd number “one” of them, induces my pose-y-ness? I almost never write to please no one — teachers, exam markers, professors — but me (except for those diaries shredded last year as a dramatic act of detoxification and self liberation). That’s why I want to keep it real this time. Nothing but the truth.

I feared so much about my readership affecting my writing that I used friend lock for my online diary and even set it to a private site later. That’s why I use a pseudonym on this blog.

My Blog as a Secret Garden (a 2013 blogpost)
This blog has been pretty successful so far. Not in terms of viewing rates, but the frequency of my actual usage. I have set up numerous blogs with various avatars but no one has a lifespan longer than this one. I guess it is because I am keeping it low profile.

I am not trying to reveal my identity here and I am not marketing this to people I see in person. I can be as opinionated as I want to be.

Also, I am not trying to construct a new virtual me here, which I often did when I was younger, so I don’t have to pretend or twist my words in order to fit in that particular personality type that I know I am not in real life.

This blog is simply a documentary of my life.

📝女文青談寫📝寫網誌的原因 Why Do I Blog?

早於2008年(那時還未流行haul videos)便寫美容blog,在xanga和Yahoo!的發佈曾被選登於頭版。

為甚麼不繼續做下去?明明有魄力也有方法呀!因為覺得當時寫的東西沒有令世界更美的意義,又怕流於文字障,障於別人,障到自己。

吾的目標,是提供經得起時間考驗的意見和心得,而非利用人家的好奇心、勾起他人競爭心、刺激別人的物欲,來提高自己的曝光率。

為人而寫,要考慮很多。篩選過的內容,意見會變得不完整。

此外,為人而寫會著重表達風格,但吾還不想固定,想做更多實驗。

Blogging之於吾,是用來記錄和暫放凌亂思緒的工具。

先如實地寫下我完整的想法,再靜靜地等待有裡似想法的人或有好奇心的人自動靠近,而不是刻意在做文章引誘他們。

不寫廣告文章、不華麗造句、不說偏激的話,不扮作專家、不量產、不急於得到即時的回應、不求知名度。

隨喜更新、平述心中想法、誠實面對自己,同時希望透過文字,與接受誠實的吾的你們結緣。

To me, my blog is the only outlet where I, an introvert, can share deep thoughts with and connect to the world

📝女文青談寫📝How My Writing Changes 寫作習慣的改變

My writing process used to be like this:

an idea came -> fishing my notebook out of my bag and writing the idea down in the most horrible handwriting -> typing it on MS Word -> mild editing -> searching for a matching picture -> hitting the publish button -> marketing it on Facebook -> waiting for comments -> counting the number of comments -> feeling proud of myself -> the applaud subsided -> self doubt -> challenged myself into producing more

All I thought about was quantity, not quality. I wasn’t genuine about sharing what I thought would be valuable to others. I just wanted to show off how fast I could form an opinion about something. As soon as I had an idea, I couldn’t wait to share it with the world, not because of how brilliant that idea was, but how eager I was to let people know, “Hey, I have a new idea again!”

That was before I was haunted by my own perfectionism when I went from over sharing to under sharing.

Then I valued my “Walk” more than my “Talk”:

一發現甚麼新奇概念,便急不及待向人分享。但菜還未煮成,人家豈敢拿你的食譜? 總得做個樣子出來嘛。拿到一些祕方,先問自己可有本事耍一遍,沒有的話,廢話少說, 去練好你的拳,少裝模作樣。

也許會從留言中的誇獎你博學得到一點點滿足感,但那個感覺,只不過建立於別人的無知上。當他們知道你沒那料子,就不會再圍觀你,到時候,你的自信也會跟著流走。

再說,他們對你的讚美,也許只是滿足虛榮心,留個言來告訴旁觀者,他們也明白真知灼見,是屬於優秀的一方。可見別人的掌聲,既靠不住又不真誠。

Then I started documenting instead of writing, storing instead of sharing:

一段時間我是不寫作的,因為寫作好像要回到那個應該忘掉的妄念。後來我實驗過,只要不採用情緒式寫作便可,一切以第三身來寫就沒問題。以現在的自己,觀看過去的自己,陳述事實而不是反芻感覺。

對於不停重覆貪吃嗜睡的惡習慣感到厭倦,因此,想展開自我觀察和改善日記。這算是功能性寫作吧!

寫這類日誌中,會懶得交代一些事,因為不帶和別人分享的目的,只為梳理自身的思緒。

 📝女文青談寫📝寫之苦:In What Genre or Style?

我現在的情況,像一位想滿足表演欲的舞者,需要編排一支舞,但不清楚自己該跳的是waltz,jazz 還是ballet。

寫長篇小說?連消費文學巨著的耐性也沒有,有能耐生產一部長篇小說?

Be a critic? I am not the reviewing kind. If I were, I would have set up an account and be active on openrice or anobii. I am not excited about listing the pros and cons of a product or service. What I want to sharing through my writing is my life experience and my reflection upon it. I might have come across a good book and shared my thoughts about it but it doesn’t make me a regular commenter.

 📝女文青談寫📝寫之苦:Anxiety of Influence

另一個牛角尖: There is no need to write a book. Why add another existing book?

(補充:自2014年3月29日發現了上網出書是容易的,開始擔心自己的內容可有價值。)

總覺得,這個subject matter已有很好的作者寫過了,為甚麼還花時間寫呢?

但例如數學,全球通用了吧,為甚麼有不同的老師?因為不同人有不同的演繹手法 (delivery style),因此,不用比較,你是獨特的。 

每個人在該領域也有他才可以提供的獨特角度. eg A stylisst在書中列出認為7件必備的item, 包括shirt, 但 B stylist在書中point out shirt蝦人著, can’t素顏, 兩個stylist講嘅嘢差不多, 但其實互相補充. 所以即便別人做過的, 也有再做的價值.

美容書的內容,來來去去都是那些,不過還是有買了一本再買另一本的人。

都有了一本教材,為甚麼還買?因為是不同人寫的,風格不一樣,有不同的表達方式。

即使是學歷不高的人,寫出來的東西一樣有參考價值。楊照只有學士學位,做講師和主持人,但不礙他寫作的發展。

knowledge = categorising ; different schools = different systems

一套學問就是一套名詞、歸納法、例子。
何謂stationery?用「文房四寶」來形容就是:紙、筆、墨、蜆,另一個說就是「文儀用品」:紀錄用、修正用、測量用。
假如寫作的目的是接近真理,作者們就代表著不同的學院,無分高下。

When I feel like my writing is trite, I remind myself to think of how all those bloggers and vloggers talked about the same thing and still I benefited from each and single one of them. The world doesn’t need just one greatest writer, it needs many more writers to suffice constant sharing. So, share in our own ways! Just keep documenting and share our thoughts in the way we wanna read them. 🙂